Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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