I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
