Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize