I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
