Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
