so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
