I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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