when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
