the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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