She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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