I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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