Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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