I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
