It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
whose parrot is this?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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