I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize