i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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