He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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