I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
