dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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