I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
