He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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