I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
