I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
