You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
