It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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