So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Princesses don't give blow jobs
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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