a queef is a wish your heart makes.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
