The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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