I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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