so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
