Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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