I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
