Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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