peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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