I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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