Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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