You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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