i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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