I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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