I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
