He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
