Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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