woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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