I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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