I looked at my own cervix.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
