i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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