My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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