His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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