Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
