Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize