He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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