I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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