Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
