420 ftw
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
