shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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