I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
