i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
