You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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